Do you ever get cross with yourself because you know that you should be doing something, but for some reason it’s just not happening?
You procrastinate, avoid it and find any excuse to not do certain things – you would rather clean the kitchen or the whole house for that matter. Or you are all of sudden famished and need to pay a third visit to your best friend the fridge or “the treat draw”. Or you suddenly remembered that you have forgotten to do some exercise (which makes it 3 months in a row) and you really really need to get really fit…before you can do THAT one thing?
Yes, I am 100% guilty.
If doing certain thing scare me or makes me feel really uncomfortable, the imagination of my “procrastination” takes “creativity” to a whole new level (like eating peanut butter, cleaning, decorating, decluttering, searching for long lost rubbish…)
So being stuck in bed for a prolonged period of time with a nasty cold and with rather limited options for procrastination, one tends to think a lot… Yes this is the “oh dear” moment…I bet if Paul is reading this he is getting very worried (“what is she going to come up with this time” !!!) Relax Paul, no new “how to save the world ideas” for now ;).
But these past two weeks I have caught myself right in the middle of the act of avoiding…..BIG TIME!!
This post is late. And not just by a day or two, but late by a few months!!!
You see I realised, that I’ve been a chicken. I caught myself avoiding, procrastinating or down right refusing to write personal posts on my blog.
Because I am scared!!!
There are times when I am scared of failure.
Scared that my dream won’t come true.
Scared that I will not be able to do something that I believe is my purpose, and most importantly spreads joy and “gives back to the world” so to speak.
Scared of failing and everyone knowing that I have failed.
Scared that I will have to go back to a finance job, doing what I know how to do but what I really don’t enjoy and is so against my core values.
Scared of letting myself and my family down …
Scared of disappointing the ones who believed in me..
Scared that people won’t like me, or my work or my writing….
Scared that I’m not good enough…
Crazy. I know.
So why this crazy fear? And crazy it is because let’s face it … being ambushed by a lion whilst you are having a wee in the middle of a safari would have been scary and terrifying (the toilet break near lions did actually happen – luckily the ambush did not ), so showing up as YOU is in comparison an absolutely pathetic excuse…
Yet … It happened to me.
This of course lead me to question my sanity (not an unusual occurrence in my case ) and then the urge to “crack” this conundrum!
What has happened to cause me to be worried about being myself?
The answer isn’t straight forward which is typical hey – always happens when one really wishes for one simple answer and solution.
It might have started with my arrival on this island about 15 years ago as a total stranger who just wanted to improve my English a little bit and study at a university for a while (unbeknownst to me – I was slightly conned as there weren’t, of course, any universities on this tiny Island… )
I became somewhat aware of (or suspected) – that everyone knows everyone on this little rock, so good reputation and “who” you know is very very important. Maybe a little more so then anywhere else because Jersey is only an island (and relatively small for that matter); and because it is in a way one of the clickiest places I’ve ever seen. Don’t get me wrong it is a lovely place with many lovely people – but It is very “different” and (like everywhere else) has it’s advantages and disadvantages. But more about Jersey another time.
There is a more recent and absolutely huge trigger to my fear.
It started when I decided to say no to an unhappy, unhealthy life of working in the “shiny” offshore world of finance (more on this some other time too – as I’m still clearing and forgiving many blocks from this period …).
Ever since I decided I wanted to do something more with my life .… Something “more” soulful, holistic, meaningful…. Something that gives back to this world and spreads joy and goodness in a way (basically doing something better in this life than making rich people rich).
That is when it happened.
I became vulnerable!!
No cushy job and guaranteed monthly income to fall back on to anymore.
I had to earn money by doing something that I believe in.
But most importantly I had to earn money by being me.
So when the excitement and novelty of “freedom of being self-employed” wore off after a couple of months, I realised that I had to earn money by being me!
And that scared the heck out of me… Because naturally, us girls start to doubt ourselves – right, because that’s just WHAT WE DO.
And with the doubt the fear creeps in.
So just like that I become super scared. And vulnerable.
The paralysis by fear I call it.
And that’s exactly what fear does…
It paralyses you!!
and after many months of BEING STUCK… I can honestly tell you from my experience that the only way forward or around this (believe me, I’ve tried everything) is this
“To name and claim your fear!
Then take one inspired step forward…whatever it is just summon all your courage and take the one step ahead.
And just believe :)”
Believe in yourself, in your cause, in the people who believe in you…and most importantly believe in the divinity of the universe – that this is the right path for you.
Yes the only way to conquer your fear is – BY DOING.
So this is me, naming and claiming my fears and putting it out to you.
Because it’s about time!!! I’m fed up of being paralysed and keeping myself safe. I’m fed up of being scared of “being me”.
I hereby give myself the permission to be vulnerable and am taking the first step.
I’m feeling the fear and doing it anyway.
So my dearest friend, I know that right now, there is something that you are scared off…that is terrifying you. That you try to avoid at any cost.
I give YOU the permission to feel vulnerable.
And if you ever think you are alone with your fear – think again. It is a lie that you shouldn’t believe because all of us feel the FEAR. Fear of the unknown, of the uncertain, of something new or just of being vulnerable.
So know this.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! AND IT’S OK TO FEEL VULNERABLE.
You CAN do this. Just feel the fear and then take the first step!! Be a trail blazer.
PS please share your fears in the comments below, just so you can give another person a “virtual” hug and show them that they are not alone – whatever the fear is.